On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
