I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
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