Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
got a scholarship and a hot psych teacher. hello spring 2010
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
