He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just want to know how you cleaned her puke off the twister mat with no gloves. And didn't throw up
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
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