Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
