I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
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