I will die if light touches me.
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Randomize
