how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Randomize
