Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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