I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
