I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
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