I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Randomize
