so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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