True but thats because hes a fetus.
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
