You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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