And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
