I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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