my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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