i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Randomize
