i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
