I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
