i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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