dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
sent the pic of my tit to the wrong bbm chatroom
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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