They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
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