I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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