i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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