Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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