true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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