i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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