Do you remember last night at all? Be honest
I need to look at the pictures on my camera to fill in the gaps.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
