and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
