all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Randomize
