Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
