All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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