i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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