Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
