I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Randomize
