I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
Randomize
