we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
