my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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