I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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