i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
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