I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
