I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
