it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
