i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
