***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
