you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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