Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
