first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
How does one acquire holy water?
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
