im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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