I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
