no you cant smoke seaweed
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
