Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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