; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He shit in the fireplace
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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