I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
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