I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
Randomize
