I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
Randomize
