My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I accidentally peed all over the couch. It's safe to say I'm not welcome at that house anymore
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize