life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
